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  121 Uses for a Dead Wesley

(Apologies to Wil Wheaton)

Thanks to Stuart for uses 16-20
Thanks to Russell Christiansen for uses 21-41, 50-64, 85-96 and 103-111
Thanks to Ken G, for uses 66-77
Thanks to Tisha H. for use 78
Thanks to Emilly M. for uses 79-84
Thanks to Al Capone for uses 97-102
Thanks to Capt Covington for uses 112-121

Uses 1- 15 and 42 -49 are mine, all mine!

All photos of Wesley abuse by Russell Christiansen

1. Crash test dummy for shuttlecraft.

 Wesley used for shuttlecraft crash testing

2. In the event the Enterprise runs out of photon and quantum torpedoes - Wesley will fit neatly into torpedo tubes.

3. Uniform pockets can be used for dilithium crystal storage.

4. Can listen to Data's jokes for hours without complaining.

Wesley is not bothered at all by Data's  attempts at humour (complete with Geordi La Forge leaving the bridge in disgust)

5. Whoopee cushion for Picard's chair on bridge.

6. Data's stunt double (for those tricky missile silo jumps...)

7. Target practice for bridge crew.

An episode that Paramount didn't want you to see - Bridge crew vs. Wesley!

8. Finally someone Reg Barclay feels comfortable talking to.

9.  At last! Something even the Ferengi couldn't sell.

10. Extra seat for Ten-Forward (or Eleven-Forward on the Enterprise-E).

11. Body double for Riker's nude scenes.

12. Even a dead Wesley would have a better chance of getting Voyager home than Janeway does.

13. With Wesley dead, Paramount will think it's safe to make a new series of The Next Generation.

14. Uniform would make excellent trombone cleaning rag for Riker.

15. Replicator recycling could turn Wesley into the following useful items for the crew:

  • 625 chocolate sundaes, or
  • 1125 really weird hats, or
  • 1750 painstiks, or
  • 1815 copies of "How to PIck Up Girls", or
  • 7300 emotion chips, or
  • 12,250 scalp polishers, or
  • 65,000 beard trimmers
16. Draught excluder.

17. Hatstand for Guinan.

18. A toothpick for Mr Homn.

19. Pin cushion.

20. Bat'leth cushion.

21. Use him for Borg negotiations (say he's the most powerful Federation leader and turn him in).

Scene edited out of Best of Both Worlds - Borg attempting to assimilate Wesley.

22. Here's a way of saving the ship: A dead Wesley will provide tons of power for the Enterprise.

23. Esoqq's hunger will be satisfied.

24. Use him as an example for any more stupid boy geniuses (i.e. Adric from "Dr. Who").

25. Excellent scratch post for Spot.

26. Give him to the Thesians. He'll hate being with them as much as Charlie Evans. (Assuming he's brought back to life).

27. Reactivate Lore and show him the dead Wesley. He may become friendly!

28. Show him to the Edo god in orbit of Rubicon III. He may want to reward the Enterprise crew (since he got the crew into trouble in that episode).

29. Might make a new Klingon taste treat, do you think?

30. Good punching bag for the alien on El-Adril.

31. Good punching bag for the gymnasium.

32. Force feed him to the Crystalline Entity. Maybe the entity might "gag" to death while trying to scoop him up into energy.

33. Gut him of the gross stuff,  put candies in him and play Pinata with him.

34. Get him into the Delta Quadrant. Maybe the Hirogen might want to crave him.

35. His face would make a really scary Halloween mask.

36. Inspiration for the all-new "Trample me Wesley" doll.

Troi and Dr. Crusher inspire the "Trample Me Wesley" doll

37. Put dead Wesley into Klingon High Council, have a ventriloquist  throw his or her voice at the dead Wesley
mispronouncing Gowron's name. Then watch Gowron mutilate the body in ways unimaginable.

39. Go back in time and give the dead Wesley to Dennis Rodman. It might be his substitute for all his troubles on the NBA court.

40. Maybe it might shut the Dominion up. The Jem'Hedar might make thousands of dead Wesleys to mingle with so they don't have to go around slaughtering humans.

41. Put Wesley on the Shore Leave planet with someone else. Make certain the person is a Wesley hater, and wish for awful things to happen to Wesley over and over again.

42. Stunt double for Kenny on South Park. "Oh my god, they killed Wesley! Yippee!"

43. Paperweight for desk in Picard's ready room.

44. Decoy for those dreaded "Lwaxana visits".

45. Chew-toy for Spot.

46. Even a dead Wesley would have more personality than Geordi.

47. Fish food  (remember the fish tank in Picard's ready room?).

48. Someone for Seven of Nine to assimilate if she get homesick.

49. Whale chow  (Star Trek IV)

50. Put him in the place of "Mr. Bill".

51. Test him out in various transporter dispersal patterns.

Wesley gets dispersed in the transporter!

52. Someone who won't mind tasting Neelix's cuisine.

53. Send him in a shuttle to "Swarm" territory and see what happens to him.

54. A birthday present to Admiral Brand (from "The First Duty").

55. Turn him over to Species 8472 and see what happens.

56. Paint Worf's room with his blood.

57. A trophy at Starfleet Academy (taxidermy).

59. Testing  of gruesome biological and metagenic weapons.

60. Tests for new phaser designs.

61. Dissection practice for his mother.

62. Maybe the aliens from "Schisms" might want to mess with his body.

63. Hang his body up and throw stuff at him (not unlike Mussolini).

64. Organ donation for Viidians.

65. Tribble chow

66. Next redshirt in new TOS episode.

67. Maytag phaser repairman (you don't see him, and usually never need him).

68. Debris released from an airlock into space to fool the enemy into thinking they may have disabled your ship.

69. Federation ambassador to Klingon mining planet.

70. Red Squad training target at Starfleet Academy.

71. Ferengi 478th rule of acquisition: Never do business with a dead Wesley without several airsick bags or before consulting a physician.

72. Only life form ever passed up by the Borg.

73. Practice patient for Mr. Paris's medical studies on Voyager.  "Hold still Wes, it won't hurt that much!  (I think...)"

74. Next White House intern for the President... (interpret as you like!)

75. Use a dead Wesley as Jason in new Friday the 13th movies shown on the Enterprise.

76. New wooden Indian in front of Quark's place on the promenade.

77. Crew member in safety film showing what NOT to do in the event of a warp engine coolant leak.

78. Inject him with Barclay's virus and document his de-evolution (wait...are we too late?).

79. Artwork: cut him up and rearrange the pieces (see Picasso).

80. Start a new religion (convince people that in order to keep Wesley dead, they have to pay you lots and lots of money).

81. Stand him on hands and knees, lay a sheet of glass over the top and you've got yourself a unique and original coffee table.

Picard shows off his rather interesting "dead Wesley" coffee table!

82. Insulation (well, might smell just a tad)

83. Doormat for Picard's ready room.

84. What's a use for a Dead Wesley - well, what's the use in a live one?

85. With Wesley dead, there can be a Troi vs. Toonces contest on who can drive a starship better!

86. Go back in time and give the dead Wesley to Barney the Purple Dinosaur,  since he sucks as well. Say Wesley was Barney's most loyal fan and then watch Barney kill himself.

87. Wesley Crusher cellular peptite cake! (with mint frosting!)

88. New "toy" for Q and/or Trelane to mess with.

89. "Pin the Dunce Cap On The Wesley" game!

90. Throw him in the "Vault of Tomorrow" and see what the Horta does!

91. Sent to Vegra II for Armus to play with (maroon him there forever!)!

92. "Wesley Escape" board game (Take him, take him, to the Academy! Mash him! Smash him! Now he's history!") (Remember Parker Brother's "Grape Escape" board game? First one to knock out his or her Wesley wins!)

93. Good burning source for the Enterprise Crew Bonfire!

94. "Mr. Wesley Head" toy!

95. A stuffed Wesley would be excellent for Worf's quarters!

96. Additional emergency rations for Voyager (maybe he tastes better than Neelix's cusine!).

97. Good Starbase bumper pads for incoming ships.

98. When channeled through the warp drive, creates plot holes big enough for even the most convoluted story to pass through.

99. Receptacle for Data to practice his "multiple techniques" on.

100. Red Shirts can take him along, and feel safe in knowing that they're more likely to return than him.

101. Skin can be fashioned into a parachute for shuttle crash landings.

102. Perfect testing device against corrosive atmospheres.

103. Use him as a mannequin for displays of old Starfleet uniforms.  For added pleasure, how about the TOS miniskirt uniforms for women?

104. Vampire cloud bait (TOS's "Obsession")

105. A shield for Kirk's 'Redshirts' to prevent them from being shot, knived, or to  protect from explosives.

106. His brain could be used for the "Controller" computer (TOS's "Spock's Brain").

107. He wouldn't mind his mother's pathetic plays.

108. Body used for "Sink or Swim" carnival game

109. Brush for cleaning out Jefferies Tubes

110. A new jester for the Platonians to have fun with (TOS's "Plato's Stepchildren")

111. Even a dead Wesley has a better chance of returning a shuttle to Voyager than the rest of the crew (except for the Delta Flyer of course).

112. At last, a person who can stand the smell and incessant drone of a Bolian!

113. Put him in a time capsule and have the future deal with him!

114. Fish Flakes for Livingston.

115. Launch him at an enemy  ship and watch them flee in terror!!!

116. Hat stand in Dixon Hill simulations.

117. Use heart as plasma regulator for the warp drive.

118. Cut off the head and play Wesleyball.

119. Force the Sheliak to renegotiate their treaty, else you'll send him over!!!

120. "Friend" for very lonely aliens.

121. Sacrifice to the god of a warlike, primitive people.

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